No, seriously, it’s okay!

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Remember my New Year’s goals when I was cryptic with my last goal, merely saying it was work related, but one I was looking most forward to if it could happen?  Well, it didn’t…at least not in the way I had wanted it to happen.

I did my best to make it happen.  I practiced.  I gave it my all.  And in the end, it wasn’t enough.  Barely, but it still wasn’t enough.  I can try again next year, and I plan on doing just that, but that knowledge at the time I found out didn’t really do much to cut the sting of disappointment THIS year.

It’s frustrating, obviously, when you don’t get something you worked so hard to get and want so much.  I could get bitter, placing blame on others to make me feel better.  But at the end of the day, I didn’t perform like I needed to and the only person who could have changed that is me (and trust me, I’ll be working on improving myself for next year).  Bitter isn’t the path I want.  I also don’t want this singular act to define me, so dwelling on it for too long isn’t an option either.   My personal pity party lasted about five minutes yesterday (hard to have it be much longer when the person you are on the phone with is making you laugh). 

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” 

-Unknown

I’ve spent a lot of the last almost 24 hours trying to convince others I really am okay with how things turned out.  I did not make it a secret that this was something I really wanted.  Because of that, I don’t know if others thought I would break down if I didn’t get it or what, but that seems to be what I’m battling now.  I have said “No, seriously, it’s okay” about a million times and I’m still not convinced people are believing me when I say that (trust me when I say, it’s true…it’s okay and I’m fine).  I’m glad that I have people in my life that care about me and are worried about how I am “handling” this, but I’m also not a delicate flower that can’t take being knocked down a peg or two every once in a while.

I know there is a reason this turned out this way.  It is easy to think the worst in the moment, but if I have learned anything in my 33 years on this earth, disappointments often turn into our greatest opportunities.  I know something great is just under the surface, waiting for me to find it.  I know the decision made yesterday is the correct one and my opportunity is waiting for me…I just need to be patient (not my best quality).  And after laughing a lot last night, some good sleep, and a delicious blueberry muffin this morning, I’m ready to conquer what is next…whatever that is.

P.S. – Thanks for reading this “therapeutic for Sarah only” post.  I know it is vague (and probably a bit boring) if you don’t know the specifics of what I’m talking about, but sometimes a girl just has to get some feelings out, you know?  I’ve got plans for another recipe post soon…I’ll make this one up to you, I promise.